3-2-1 COUNTDOWN!!!

Yes, we are in countdown mode here in our house due to the fact that school is done on Tuesday, June 8, 2010. We are all counting down for different reasons of course. The gurl can't wait to be done and have everyday to do what she wants to since she is "the boss;" the boy can't wait to have his sister home to play with everyday (which I am sure will not last long); dad can't wait for his work load to lighten since he works in administration at a school and all of the students and most faculty will be out of the building making the days easier; and mom is counting down MANY things such as my last few days with just me and the boy, the end of my quiet mornings, and possible the end of my sanity! So while they nap and the house is so peaceful and quiet I am enjoying this delicious dessert and "my" time because I know that is just a couple of days the chaos of summer begins!


This is a rhubarb kuchen that I blogged awhile ago. I finally made it this weekend and it was amazing. I altered the recipe a little because I wanted the custard filling to be a little thicker and richer so I added some creme friache' to it and oh good heaven is this tasty! I have been eating it for dessert, breakfast or basically whenever I feel like it!

Opting In: Having a Child Without Loosing Yourself

I just finished reading the book Opting In: Having a Child Without Loosing Yourself by Amy Richards and decided to share some thoughts about it since it got my feminist mama juices flowing. Let me just start by saying that I am a fan of Amy Richards. I think she has done some amazing work in the feminist community and she has been a role model and spokesperson for my generation of feminists, 3rd wave or 21st century feminists, whatever it is you may want to label us. She has been very outspoken on prominent issues in the movement and in her own life, and has taken her passion and activism for feminism to the pages and has written three books: Manifesta, and Grassroots: A Fieldguide for Feminist Activism, co-authored with Jennifer Baumgardner and her most recent book Opting In: Having a Child Without Loosing Yourself.

This book isn't that new of a book, it was actually published back in 2008. It was a book that I had read a review of it when published and wanted to buy, but put it on one of many book lists that have been lost or forgotten about. Recently while surfing Amazon, I came across this again and decided it was time to purchase it.

This book is an easy read, definitely not full of studies and academic jargon that will make your head spin. In my opinion is was written for new feminists and feminists who are new to motherhood. I say motherhood rather than parenthood because it really is directed toward mothers; even though she discusses issues such as the importance of partnership, letting dads be actively involved and the debate over using the word parenthood rather than motherhood, it is still intended for mothers to read. I also have to say that I believe the book is directed at heterosexual mothers. She touches on issues that may be important to feminist lesbian mothers, however, when discussing the role of partners, she speaks primarily from her own experiences which happen to be with a man and the father of her children. Even though this might be a turn-off for some feminists, I believe that the book would still be a worthy read since she does an excellent job of arguing this idea of "choice" applying to all areas of a womun's life; not just to reproductive rights.

She begins this book by approaching an issue that is difficult for many feminists - how to blend your feminist belief system with your own desires to become a mother. How to come to terms with "how such a political movement that is historically known to free womyn of feminine expressions can support such a personal decision that is seen as the ultimate feminine expression." She uses history, research, personal experiences of her own as well as friends and strangers (who have emailed her at AskAmy on Feminist.com) to demonstrate how motherhood and feminism can co-exist in a womun's life.

As she moves through the book she ties the idea of "choice" into many different topics that it should be applied to such as working vs. staying home, pregnancy & birthing choices and gender issues. She also discusses the history of feminism and motherhood, the truth about our biological clocks, relationships between mothers and daughters, and practicing our politics through parenting.


I could take up a lot space and time writing about this book and my own opinion and experiences as a active, third-wave feminist mom, but I have done some of that in past posts. And I am sure I will do some more writing in the future on how I have struggled with blending these two identities and how I have learned to navigate motherhood from a feminist perspective and how I continue to grow and learn how beautifully these two identities can mesh.

Choices...

As a womun and as a feminist, choice is a topic that has been very important to me. It is a topic that I have struggled with, pondered upon for hours on end and have spent many hours soul searching over this issue of what "choice" means for womyn. As a young, budding feminist in college this idea of being "pro-choice" became important to me and as I have aged and transitioned through life it has become even more prominent in my own life, especially when I became a stay-home mom, or what I would like to call myself, a radical homemaker (excellent book by on this topic by Shannon Hayes that I will blogging about soon!)

Two years ago I wrote and submitted a piece on choice for an academic journal that was looking for entries on many different topics from mothers who considered themselves third wave feminists. Around this time I was really exploring this idea of choice and how I felt based on my own experiences. I believe that in my generation of feminists we have fixated too narrowly on this idea of "pro-choice" being equated with only reproductive rights and have ignored the other dimensions that choice embodies. I discussed how womyn in the second wave marched, demonstrated and fought hard for choice-not only reproductive choices, but also the right as a womun to choose our own path and destiny. Yet, as I graduated college and began to make MY own educated choices about MY future, I was met with opposition and felt ostracized many times. I didn't realize until many years later that my definition of choice was much different than the feminist womyn around me, as well as the feminist movement that I identified with.

It is now 2010, and I am STILL milling over this idea of choice in my head. It is always there hanging around, but lately keeps hitting me in the face and challenging me on my own ideas of choice and what I believe it to be for womyn in the 21st century. Do we really have the freedom of choice? Or do we think that we do, but still play into what society expects of us as womyn and as mothers, wives, partners, etc.? And are we (feminists) foolish by believing that all womyn have this right to choose their paths or destinies?

So many fragmented thoughts right now swirling in my head regarding this concept of choice, primarily pertaining to marriage and motherhood. I must say this is just beginning entry on a series I will start on this issue. But for now back to an excellent book on feminism and motherhood by Amy Richards, Opting In: Having a Child Without Loosing Yourself.

Happy Birth Day my little gurl!

Today my little gurl turned six years old!!! I am in awe of this fact, but even more than that I am in awe of her. When I was pregnant and my belly was big and round and full of life I sat many times dreaming about this child. Would the baby be a gurl or boy, strong-willed or meek and quiet, look like me or Greg, so many questions. And of course your baby is born and as the days, months and years quickly pass by you start to see the answers to all of those questions you once had asked yourself unfold.



I watch this kid of mine, because she is now a kid...no more diapers, teething rings or baby necessities, no more toddler or little childish toys, books and sayings...she is a full-blown kid equipped with the missing teeth, the nose buried in a book and the attitude and confidence the size of the state we live in! She is 100% Taurus and as we like to say in our house, "You mess with the bull, you get the horns!" And that is the truth. And I love it! Now, don't get me wrong, not all of the time; most days it gets very exhausting and frustrating having to try to negotiate and lay down the law with her since she seems to think she knows more about anything and everything than I do, but at the end of the day I remind myself...this will serve her well. I wanted a fiery, independent, strong-willed, no taking shit daughter and that is EXACTLY what I got!

Last year she was miserable on her birthday dealing with some serious sinus and allergy issues and I am happy to report that this year she sailed through the day feeling great and looking absolutely beautiful. She had a day full of love from her family and friends and received many amazing and unique gifts including 5 homemade outfits- 3 from grandma and 2 from me. And of course the cake of her choice which was a Tres Leche Cake this year, which I decided last minute to do as a Quatro Leche Cake and it was DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday K.N.S.!

All in a week!

I decided to post this picture from my boy's third birthday because I love it! I love the look on his face, love the candles in the dark and LOVED the carrot ginger cake w/cream cheese frosting! Happy Birthday little man. Can't believe it has been 3 years already!

SO much going on this last week and everything that I want to write about, well, just don't have the energy or the time. Here is a condensed version and I hope to write more at a later point about alla this!

• the Barbie went "away"


• the boy turned three


• all of the remants of last years beauty in the garden have been removed


• the garden has received a healthy dose of compost


• the peas, sweet pea flowers, spinach, persian cress and garbanzo beans have been planted.


• started the tomato, eggplant & basil seeds


• finally sewed an apron for myself and some yoga bags


• and I received word that I have been accepted to a WGST graduate program and offered a graduate assistant position for fall of 2010.

My head is spinning from the overload of information that I have gained this week-primarily on food issues and gardening. I hope to post some about that this weekend, but I have a very sick boy to take care of and cuddles and lovin' are on the top of the list!

Adios Barbie!

I knew this moment would come; one that I have loathed since the day she was born. It was just a matter of time before it happened...before Barbie came into our household. Yes, Babs is in our house right now as I write, and I cringe at the thought of it!

That is right I DESPISE Barbie! For many of you this may seem preposterous, but it's not really. I mean think about her; Barbie that is. Her torpedo tits, her #2 pencil legs, her tiny feet in their stilettos, her big hair and porn star make-up and her never-ending supply of clothing and accessories. So why wouldn't I want my daughter to play with Barbie?

Maybe because I don't want her to think that this is the "typical" way a womun should look.

Maybe because there is NO WAY a womun could ever achieve the Barbie body-type.

Maybe because I want her to value her mind and have a healthy body image.

Maybe because I want her to understand there is more to life than acquiring material things.

Maybe because I want to shelter her as long as possible from the harsh, cruel world and all of it's pressures and expectations of gurls and womyn to fit into an unattainable "perfect" Barbie-like clone. I know this is unavoidable, that she is going to feel these pressures and expectations at some point in her life but if I do my job right, she will be armed with the tools to fight back. So this is why I say no to Barbie and Disney Princesses and Bratz and the such. I believe it is MY job as her mother and primary educator to instill in her at this very young age a foundation based on love and respect for herself and all people and living things around her. It is my job to teach her that beauty comes in many shapes, sizes, colors and forms. And until Mattel or Disney embrace this same philosophy they will not be welcome in my home.

I have not kicked Barbie out yet. I have let her be attached to my gurl's hip for a few days and I am letting this run it's course. But I have also taken this opportunity as a way to talk to her and teach her about womyn's bodies and about the important things to value in this world. Yes, I knew this day would come, but never in my wildest dreams imagined it would be when she was only five.

So maybe I've gone soft...

I've gone soft. There, I have said it. Something that over the last few months has slowly been eating away at me. Something that is not expected from a feminist-right? We are hard, and tough; solid as rocks. But not this feminist; it is true, I have completely turned to mush. I have avoided feminist literature, I have dodged challenging conversations and I have pushed anything academic to the far, far corners of my brain in hopes that it may be there one day if I need it.

So does this upset me? No, it doesn't; or I guess I should say it hasn't bothered me until recently. You see I am a feminist and I do believe that this system of capitalist patriarchy that our country thrives on is a load of bullshit and yes, I am sick of it subjecting us women and I do believe that there is still enormous amounts of work that need to be done and that I need to be doing it....but I am tired.

There, I said it! I AM TIRED! I have been tired for 5 years now and this patriarchy load of crap has been the last thing I have wanted to think about when my eyelids feel like lead weights! That is life, right?
That is motherhood, right?
So should I just suck it up?
Who knows! What I do know is that I have taken a five year hiatus from pursuing academia or a career so that I could be a stay home mother. And on most days I am cool with that. But on some days I struggle.

Yeah, I know that I am in a privileged position to be staying home right now with my kids, but not as privileged as most would think (topic for another day- the choices and sacrifices we made, not forced into, but made). And as every stay-home mother knows, it is not always easy and can be a dark place at times. But is has provided me the opportunity to be the primary educator of my children as well as allowed me to explore areas of interest that I would have never been able to pursue as a working mother (gardening, cooking, sewing, reading...). Things that have mentally challenged me, but also have provided a creative outlet. So yeah, I am a feminist who LOVES to cook and sew and garden and eat and read and sleep! And... I am cool with that. But, I am also ready to move on. Yes, that is right, I am ready to get back into the rink and kick some sexist, racist, capitalist patriarchal butt! I am ready to use the knowledge I have gained over these last five years as a feminist mommy and start challenging the social norms we have about motherhood and parenting.

So you can expect more to come on alla this feminist motherhood and parenting stuff, as well as continued posts that show my softer side.

Happy Mother's Day

To all of the amazing mothers out there who are busting their asses for their families 24-7 I say a HUGE thank you! And I hope you all had a wonderful mother's day. I really do.
I hope you were able to sleep in.
I hope you were able to get breakfast in bed.
I hope you were able to do what YOU wanted for your entire day.
I hope your day wasn't full of kids whining, crying and fighting.
I hope the day encouraged you be a little reflective on the type of mother you want and strive to be.
I hope it filled you with an overwhelming sense of appreciation.
I hope all of this, or even some of this happened for you because you deserve it.

But, I am guessing it probably did not. I am guessing that it was just another ordinary day like every other day that left you falling into your bed at the end of it with pure exhaustion. Or maybe that was just me. Maybe I am the only mother out there who is a little bitter that I didn't have a good mother's day, or that I didn't get the one and only thing I asked for...TO SLEEP IN! I have sickness all around me and now I am sick again as well and I can't seem to get a break.

....it is now over a week later after my serious head cold has mostly passed and I am done sulking about what a shitty day my mother's day turned out to be. I will spare the details, but let's just say that many tears were shed...many. I wasn't going to post all of this until I realized that all of the mothers around me had really horrible days as well. As I had numerous (quite helarious) conversations over this last week with other womyn I realized that we all had wanted basic displays of appreciation and for whatever reason the day was just like any other day and we all went to sleep with some levels of disappointment.

For me, as I went to bed with disappointment and a little bitterness, I sat in bed reflecting on what it means to be a mother and I came to the hard realization that this is part of the job. You do what you do not for numerous accolades from those around you but because you want these human beings that you brought into this world to have the best life possible- to be happy, healthy, loved. And you do whatever you need to do to make that possible. Being a mother is the most self-less job there is; even on mother's day, the one day that you should be able to be a little selfish.
The following day I wrote my mother a letter thanking her for the endless amount of love and care that she has given through the years. As a mother I now realize and appreciate all that she has provided and sacrificed. Even though I don't even know the half of it, I do know as a mother what that means and I am appreciative.

From one mother to a world of mothers out there...thank you for all you do for us as womyn, daughters and other mothers. Thank you for the sacrifices that you have made for the next generation and for our mother earth.

She's Five

Yesterday my little gurl turned five. There is something about the age five. The realization that you have a kid now, not a baby, or a toddler, but a kid. I watched her every move yesterday and I hung on every word, soaking her in like the sun. I wanted to remember this day for the rest of my life just like I remember the day that she was born. I am guessing she will remember it because she wasn't feeling well and spent most of the day on the couch resting. Presents were even uneventful, which was so heartbreaking to watch. My little gurl has a difficult time dealing with her allergies to mold and dust as well as some intense sinus issues for a little kid. The issues seem to have gotten worse this year and we have been trying as many natural remedies as possible to help her, but she still struggles when mold is high, which it was on her birthday. It breaks my heart to see her deal with all of this as such a young age. No one every wants to see their child sick. I watch how she struggles with these issues and wonder how it will affect her as she gets older.

It also makes me angry that to take care of her the way that we feel best, which is naturally, that we have to pay for it all out of our pockets because insurance refuses to cover it. The only "natural" practice that it does cover is our chiropractic and they are trying to find a way where they don't have to cover that either. Don't even get me started on the fact that we pay over $200 a month in copays for pretty much nothing! So...I will do what I can with the herbs and tinctures that we use and continue chiropractic and start her on cranio-sacral therapy sessions in hopes that I don't have to put her on some poison that will help her allergies, but damage her kidneys and liver in the process.

The highlight of the day was when I presented her with her very own birthday crown. Her face lit up and it was the only part of the day when I saw a real smile on her face. We finished her special day by reading her new books, The Paperbag Princess, The Whole Green World and Ladybug Girl and with her dessert request: popsicles.

As I ended my day writing in her journal I also looked at her birth pictures to remind myself of this beautiful journey that this little one and I have begun.

The boy is 2!

I can't believe that as I sit here and watch this little dude run around this morning that he was born two years ago! I can still remember the details of his early and extremely fast birth (woke up at 3:20 a.m. because my water broke as I rolled over in bed; he was born on the bathroom floor at 4:59 a.m.). The call to the midwife; the anxiety about the pace of the birth; the sun rising as we took our first bath; the excitement of his sister and his dad as they held him for the first time; the beautiful, little details of this boy that were now physically present: tiny fingers and toes, a head full of dark hair, big eyes, tiny perfect pink lips. Now he is two and I am just as in awe of him today as I was then. How time flies, eh?

Yesterday was an interesting day. It didn't go as I had hoped or planned, but he did not seem to mind. He was very happy and content with the events of the day even if I was not. His sister has been having a very hard time this last week and yesterday definitely was the day that the rest of the week was building up to for one HUGE day of meltdowns. Wednesday night was a full moon and we are well aware that when the moon is full it has some type of pull on this child. She is usually really squirrely or really emotional; but yesterday she was not only emotional and squirrely, but also mean and whiny which made the day emotionally exhausting for me.

While the kids napped I finished sewing up Keegan's birthday crown and was going to make his honey cake until I realized I didn't have enough eggs. So I scrapped that idea and I will make the cake today and we will have two days of celebrating. Here is a picture of the crown. It wasn't as easy as the blog made it out to be, but I think it was worth it. I am pleased with the way it looks and so is he. This morning he has been riding around his "horse" with his crown and it is simply adorable!


I also stole some time to myself while they napped and looked through birth photos and wrote in his special journal that I started the day he was born. I am so amazed that these two little people were in my belly at one point and now are such amazing and beautiful little people with such STRONG personalities. Every time I look at the photos of my children's "birth day" I get so weepy. Today was no different, but due to the emotional aspects of the morning I didn't just cry; I sobbed. It was at that point that I knew I needed a nap as well; so I crashed on the couch and 30 minutes later the kids were up and ready to play and we all felt much better.

The birthday evening ended with the boy's favorite meal; pasta with homemade pesto, a salad (which he surprised us by actually eating) and then more presents and yogurt covered pretzels for dessert.

Just another typical day

• It is 3:00 p.m. and the boy and I pick up the gurl from school; she is whining.


• I load the kids up in the car and we proceed to the closest department store to pick up a birthday gift; it is dad's birthday.


• We get to the store and I realize I do not have the stroller for the boy and this store does not have any type of cart or stroller for little ones. I try to assure myself that it is not a big deal.


• We make our way through the parking lot, not without the gurl attempting to jump in a muddy, slushy puddle. I manage to grab her arm and deter her just in time, almost falling in it in the process. I feel the emotions starting to rise.


• We enter the store and I see the signs everywhere: This location is closing: HUGE SALES. Almost all of the inventory is already gone; no jewelry counter, no watches, no gift.


• I take a deep breath, turn around and leave the store trying to carry the squirmy boy, my purse and hold the hand of my distracted four year old gurl.


• Gurl attempts the puddle again, this time more successful. Now she is wet, I am wet and I am trying to stay calm, this is not easy because the gurl is now screaming because she is cold and wet; it is 36 degrees. Patience is fleeting quickly.


• The kids are finally settled in the car and we are on our way home and the gurl starts crying and yelling hysterically about something very tragic. I can't understand what is upsetting her. I pull over into a parking lot. She is sobbing. Five minutes go by. I finally can understand her. Her juice cup is empty.


• I calm her down by agreeing to stop at a coffee house to buy a bottle of juice. I am at a point where the patience is almost gone. I despise buying juice at these types of places. It is not juice they sell, it is apple concentrate loaded with sugar syrup. I buy the damn "juice." I am trying to keep peace. I fill both cups with "juice." I resist the urge to buy myself a coffee. I want coffee, but I know it will push me over the edge. I don't want to go over the edge today. I want a peaceful birthday for their dad.


• We finally start our commute home to Detroit in this miserable weather surrounded by shitty drivers and bad scenery. The kids start to squawk at each other. I am not sure why, I don't care. I tune them out and turn the radio up. I begin to sing and dance to some booty shakin' song on the radio. They instantly stop and join in.


• We are close to home. I am counting down the minutes until we will be out of the car; a little under 12 minutes. The gurl erupts again. Floods of tears. She manages to choke out this sentence, "YOU made me miss the national elephant!" She sobs even more. The elephant: a massive statue painted like the American flag in front of some car dealership on Telegraph. Something she enjoys pointing out everyday on the way home from school, always insisting that she be the one to point it out, not me.


• We continue on for 12 minutes of sobbing and screaming. Now the boy is screaming. He is not hurt. He is not upset. He finds it amusing. Now she is screaming louder. She is mad that he is screaming. I WANT TO SCREAM. I pull in the driveway. We are finally home.


• I take the gurl in the house and I hold her. I try to get her calmed down but all she wants to do is play with her ponies. Fine with me. I bring the boy in the house and set him up to play in the kitchen.


• I start to open the cook books wanting to make a nice meal for dad's birthday. I am overwhelmed by screaming. The boy has entered the front room and the gurl wants him out, now! He is "disturbing the ponies!" I want to scream, "You are disturbing me!" I take deep breaths instead.


• I move the boy back to the kitchen. I begin browsing the cookbooks again. I see the gurl approach. I watch as she takes the magnets away from the boy and begins to play with them. The screaming starts again, it is the boy. This time he does not find it amusing, he is mad.


• I give the gurl a time-out. She screams even more. I take the boy to the basement. Maybe if there are on different floors in the house there will be peace.


• Within ten minutes the gurl follows us down and promises that she will not bother the boy.


• Five minutes later they are both screaming again as the phone rings. It is their dad. I pick up the phone and all I can do is laugh. I can't hear a damn word, so I tell him I will call him back in ten.


• The gurl finally has decided that she wants time by herself so she packs up her ponies in her backpack and moves up to her bedroom. The boy begins to play with blocks on the floor.


• I climb into the basement cedar closet and call their dad back. He offers to pick up pizza. I accept the offer and sit in the closet for a few minutes to gain composure. I want to cry. The tears won't fall. I wonder how long I could stay in here before they would really NEED me.


• I get on the computer and try to facebook with a friend. I decide that 4:30 p.m. is not too early to open a bottle of wine. So I grab a bottle of Merlot and pour a glass. I grab a square of chocolate too, I deserve one today. Can't do anything on the computer; the boy won't leave it alone.


• We move upstairs and I put on some music, make a salad and wait for the pizza. I enjoy the quiet. I sit with my wine, my music and wait for the noise to start again. It doesn't to my surprise.


• The pizza arrives. We eat in peace. We read books to the kids. The kids go to bed. It is finally quiet.


• And it is the end of just another typical day in the life of a mom.

So much to say and not enough time

So much has happened since the beginning of the year. I vowed I would take some time away from the computer and television, which was not as easy as I thought it would be. There were so many times I just wanted to sit down and write and so I did; in my journal...I forgot I even had one until two weeks ago!

A lot of renewing of spirit, faith in this world and faith in myself. It is so easy to go through each day in a blur trying to keep up with an impossible pace we have set for ourselves here in the states. In my own world I go through the motions of being a mom, doing what has to get done. I find that at times it becomes a routine that is dull, drab and emotionless. I get the kids up, I feed them, bathe them, clothe them and scoot one off to school and then start the mundane tasks of dishes, laundry, floors, bathrooms, cooking and the list goes on and on. I loose sight. I forget what is important. I forget why I CHOSE to do this.

So this month I have spent my time trying to let go of this fast-paced, always moving and always thinking way of life and instead take the time to connect with those around me, particularly my children. Forcing myself to not worry about everything that I think needs to be done, but actually do what NEEDS to be done, which is smothering my children with love and reconnecting with those feelings of love, tenderness and awe that I have for them that sometimes get shoved to the side. I have let myself be in love this month. In love with my children, with my partner and husband, with my family, with my true friends and with my life.

It has been an eventful time in my life, January 2009. First of all, there is a new baby in the family, and I am happy to report that is is not mine, but my sister's! My little sis is now a mommy to a healthy little boy who was born in the beginning of January. I am amazed at all of the birthdays that are in January; all of the springtime luvin' I guess. My new nephew is now the tenth January birthday to celebrate in our home. So welcome to the world and the family little man...and sis, welcome to the club!

I am so proud of my sister who made it through almost 24 hours of labor (mostly back labor) to give birth naturally (by that I mean NO DRUGS) to a little boy.The day she went into labor I happened to be engrossed in the documentary The Business of Being Born , which I watched almost 3 full times in a row and can I just say....what an amazing documentary. A must for anyone who is thinking of having a baby, about to have a baby, even throwing the idea around about kids in their future.

I will write about that documentary soon, along with so many other things that have peaked my interest this month such as the state of Detroit, the inauguration, sewing, easy artisan bread baking, making homemade yogurt, womyn-centered activities, seed catalogs, feminist books about loving your body and your vagina and the anticipation of spring. All of the things that I focused on during my detox and throughout this last month's break from the computer and television. All of these things I have found pleasure in and have helped me reconnect with myself and with those around me.

So...stay tuned I am revitalized and ready to share so much of what keeps me going day after day!

Choices

Oh to be back in college again! I am taking this moment to admit that I am a nerd and if I could be on college campus the rest of my life that is where I would be happiest.

Earlier this week I spent a day back at college and was loving every moment of it! Even trekking across campus in the bitter winds of winter didn't matter to me. It felt nice to be back in an environment that I have such an affinity for. I went back to Oakland to be a guest speaker at the request of my dear friend who is the director of the Women and Gender Studies department. She put together a small panel of former students who have graduated with degrees in WS to talk about what they are doing in life and how having a degree in this field has shaped their lives.

As I was driving there I was thinking about what I was going to say. I was the unemployed feminist who was going to be talking about how I have used my passion for women's issues and feminism to shape my experiences with volunteer work and my experience as a stay-home mother of two. I have to admit I was nervous because I anticipated the questions and the looks I would receive when I said that I am not only a mother of two, but a mother who chose to stay home.

When most people (including feminists) think of someone being a feminist they have a very clear image in there head of what that person looks like, what their politics are and what "choices" they have made with their lives. Feminists might be the hardest critics of each other when it comes to fitting the criteria or making the "check-list" . One is a feminist if....

So I went, I met some new, wonderful people and I spoke about how my passion for women's studies has shaped my life; how it has shaped each choice that I have made in my life. Because that is what we as feminists fight for, right? Freedom, equality and yes... choice. But I am curious as to when in the movement the idea of choice began to apply just to reproductive rights, abortion and sexuality and not EVERY choice a womyn makes as she transitions through her life. And also why it is that these other choices are not discussed, practiced, or supported in this community? I am sure that some would argue with me that feminists do believe, practice and support these range of choices and yes, I am one of those feminists and I am sure there are some others out there, but we are in the minority. My experience as a mother who is part of what is now considered the third wave, has not been welcomed with overwhelming support, or even moderate support. If I were to rattle off all of the times that I have been met with opposition from my own community for the choices that I have made this email would take you a serious amount of time to read.

So yes, I did talk about what I have done since college and I guarantee that is not what any of them expected me to say; I could see it on there faces. And yes, I did get the question, the first question asked: as a feminist, how did I come to this place of motherhood and why am I staying at home? So it was at that point that I went into my rant on choice and what it should mean, and how and why I have made the choices to become a mother and stay at home. I am always amazed that as I explain my understanding of choice that many have never really viewed choice the same way. But as I started explaining myself and my belief system I could see expressions changing and it led the group into an amazing conversation about choices and the importance of applying this idea of "choice" to all areas of our lives. Numerous people were able to offer their own examples of educated choices they have made in their lives and the difficulty or ease that accompanies these choices. It was at that moment I felt proud to be a part of that community and hopeful that the more we talk about issues such as "choice" that we will redefine their meanings and finally loose the check-list!

Identity Crisis

For the last 9-10 months I have been a mess! I have been on a non-stop emotional roller-coaster. I have been that crazy hormonal womyn who cries instantly over the smallest of things; whose patience is as thin as tissue paper and who has had a very hard time finding true joy in any area of her life. I stopped breastfeeding my little one back in early March and I began to wonder if maybe all of this was attributed to that and my hormones being out of whack. But after an $800 blood test (don't get me started on this b.s.!) to test my thyroid, estrogen, progesterone and testosterone levels all they could tell me was that all of these are normal and exactly where they should be. So my doctor then says maybe I am dealing with depression. Okay...depression, really? AND that I should get a low dose prescription of Prozac. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This is coming from doctors that know how my family functions: no immunizations, no antibiotics and doing EVERYTHING as naturally as we can. This is coming from doctors who have not done a psychological evaluation, nor even talked to me about what has been going on in my life over the last 8 months such as:

• being mother of two kids under 4; 24-7
  
• constant sleep deprivation
  
• taking on responsibilities at my daughter's school
• realizing that my husband is probably always going to work way too hard and not give himself the rest and downtime that he needs-that we need
  
• realizing that I am turning obsessive about my house being clean
• having a mother, whom I am not particularly close with, move in with me for four months and then up and moves to Oklahoma leaving my daughter with serious separation anxiety
  
• a teething son who cut 6 teeth within two month
  
• a garden to tend to (which usually isn't stressful, but was at times this year)
• extremely difficult menstrual cycles that take me days to recover from
  
• and the everyday issues of multi-tasking and life i.e. finances, food, computer problems, car problems...the list goes on
  

So that is not really a lot of stress and yes maybe I am dealing with a little depression, but I am beginning to realize that more than anything else I am struggling with an identity crisis. I am having a hard time with who I have become, because I no longer see myself as what I once was. And in all truth, I am no longer who I once was. I am now a mother; this is my primary identity as hard as that is to accept sometimes, it's true. I had a very interesting conversation with a dear friend this weekend, who had an interesting conversation with a dear friend of hers the day before ( all of us young mothers). The topic: mourning ourselves; our former identities before the identity of mom took over. How do we get back to who were? I don't know if that is possible, because our lives have changed, pretty drastically and this new element is now a part of what defines us.

So the real question for me is how do I meld the two? How do I redefine who I am to incorporate the pre-mom Lacey and the post-mom Lacey? Am I doing it already and just not realizing it and how is it that I only started feeling this way after my second child?


I no longer see myself as this fiery, independent, young feminist and activist who is ready to take on the patriarchal world. But I see myself as this overly tired and overly stressed mother of two who is ready to be done with changing diapers, who wants a little freedom back in her life, not a child always at my feet or on my hip and as someone who on rare occasion has time to actively engage in her feminist and environmentalist agendas. When I was pregnant it wasn't an issue for me because I had experienced pregnancy and birth through the lens of female empowerment and I used that to shape my experiences. Since then I have found many things over the last four years to take interest in and even develop a passion for, but I have reached a place in my life where I am mourning that former self. I miss that freedom and independence that I once cherished dearly.

I think many womyn feel this way once they become mothers, yet it is something that we don't discuss often so we have a hard time articulating what it is that we are feeling. And it is hard to find a confidant in which to have these types of conversation. Are we that scared of admitting that motherhood is not all kisses and giggles? Whether we have chosen to be stay-home moms or moms who work inside and outside of the home, we all deal with the same struggles and balancing acts. We need to talk about it together and we need to offer support to each other. I now have a wonderful community of mothers around me who I am starting to openly discuss such difficult issues with. And I am spending more time writing to discover what it is that I want and need at this moment in my life.

I do feel that since I have taken up writing again I am connecting with myself again, a piece of myself that was lost quite some time ago. Writing has been a way to remind myself of the natural process of evolving; who I was, who I am and who I will become. Writing has created an outlet to let this new chapter of my life (motherhood) foster a new creativity that I have been longing for. It has been almost a year I have been craving a creative outlet and I have made a list of many things that I want to do: take up a new instrument, sew, knit, crochet, write a book, take a dance class, start a blog. Something that is for me; just ME. And I am slowly working on some of these things and teaching myself that it is okay to spend time on me. So as I start to navigate this journey through connecting the old me and the new me, strengthening who I am and who I want to be I ask for your kind ears at times and once in a while I might even need a shoulder to cry on.

Just another day....

I know I should be in bed right now, but I don't want to go to bed! I now sound like my 4 year old daughter. Why am I doing this to myself? It is highly unlikely that I will be able to sleep straight through the night and tomorrow I will pay for the fact that I stayed up until 11 to do a lot of nothing. But my mind is wandering right now and I feel like writing so this entry will probably be a little random. But that is my life I think, a little bit of this and a little bit of that....

Once again I am drinking some homemade chai and so I think I will post the recipe for those of you who are interested, it is very yummy...

Tibetan Chai:

5 cups of water
4-5 strong black tea bags
4 cinnamon sticks
1 tsp. of cardamon pods
1/3 to 1/2 cup of fresh ginger peeled and cut into small pieces

Put all of this is a nice BIG pot on the stove and let it come to a boil, reduce heat and simmer for 15 minutes. Then add:

3-4 cups of milk
1/2 cup of your favorite sweetener, I prefer honey

bring to a simmer again and let simmer for 5 minutes. ENJOY! Keeps for about 5 days covered in the refrigerator.

Okay now onto my favorite moment of the day. Today as the boy was napping the gurl and I had some time to ourselves, which we don't have too much of these days. And so we decided that we were going to do something fun together, just the two of us. We chose to get out the crayons and color and we did this for over an hour and it was so much fun. I haven't colored a picture in SO long and especially in a Strawberry Shortcake coloring book! It was actually very relaxing.

And that moment in time I will cherish and lock away in my memory because we were both so content and happy and I had her full attention. It is these moments that I cherish and that reaffirm the choices that I have made. I can't imagine my life on any other path. I may dream of it at times, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I have this beautiful feisty daughter who is daily teaching me patience and as angry or frustrated as I may get with her at times, I am still so in awe that I birthed her, that she is part of me. And a son who is a little lover-boy and can't get or give enough cuddles and kisses and laughs more that the other three of us combined, which is also teaching me so much. That these little tiny people can teach us so much about ourselves and the world around us if we just open our hearts and let them and I think that is such an amazing thing about being a parent.

Now it is time for bed...

Not enough time....

Now that the sun is showing less of itself I find that I am wearing myself out by trying to do way too much in it's presence. And I try to tell myself that this is because winter is coming and that during those long, cold months that I will be able to rest, but deep down, I know better than that. I cannot sit still, it is impossible. This is not too big of a surprise for those of you who know me well. To just sit for relaxation purposes well, I am not familiar with that concept. I feel as though the world is resting on my shoulders and that if I am not productive with every damn minute of every day then our household might actually fall apart.

I must admit that I was like this way before becoming a mother. In college at one point I was President of a woman's organization, primary organizer of a campus performance of The Vagina Monologues, a full-time student, working part-time and planning a wedding. I am not sharing this to brag about my ability to multi-task, but to show that I have always had a problem with feeling the need to do too much and gauging my happiness on my accomplishments.

So on the agenda for the weekend was: Eastern Market, finish tearing out the garden, clean out the garage and take stuff to Salvation Army, empty the compost pile into the garden, also add Llama manure to the garden, plant the garlic, top garden beds with straw and leaves, insulate the fig tree, move Khalila's kitchen from the garage to the basement, cook down the tomatillos, puree and freeze all of my basil, dill and cilantro, hang the cayenne peppers to dry, shell the dried garbanzo and cannelloni beans, laundry and maybe a little reading in the book that I just started The Mommy Myth by Susan J. Douglas and Merdedith W. Michaels (which I will be posting about very soon) and if really lucky and not pressed for time take a nice bike ride through the neighborhood. Not a lot right?!

Well...I got about half of that done and I am okay with that because I actually took the time to bike ride (thanks Greg) and that evening found pleasure and peace in just sitting. Yes, doing absolutely nothing, not reading, or looking at a magazine, or painting my nails or watching T.V., but just sitting in our wonderful living room by a beautiful fire with Gregory (my husband) and relaxing. The kids were in bed and it was so nice to listen to some comforting music, Catie Curtis, and drink some tea and let myself enjoy that moment. And that moment, along with a post by Naomi has prompted me to remember the importance of feeling and connecting and to really reflect on this concept. And I came to this: why it is so hard for me and the rest of our society to slow down? It seems these days America can't keep up with it's own pace. Working 40 hour weeks just won't do it anymore. And so individuals, couples and families struggle to pay the bills, keep the house up, keep the family healthy and happy and still try to find time to do nothing, for the sake of doing nothing.

This is something Greg tells me often, "Take some time for yourself today, just do nothing." But what does that mean? I am afraid to say that I really don't know. I try to "do nothing" and I can't sit still, it is like I have ants in my pants-seriously! I know this is partially due to who I am and how I have always been. But there is also an outside element, a pressure that I constantly feel as a mother, especially a mother who has chosen to stay home. Because after all, all I do is watch my shows and eat bon-bons, right?

As a womyn, a feminist and a mother I feel an overwhelming pressure that I have to prove myself. And right now part of that is by what I accomplish during my day at home. Whether it be in the garden, chores around the house, writing, or small projects, I feel as though I have to be productive. Now, with that being said, I enjoy most of what I spend my time on, but I am coming to the realization that this pressure is taking a lot out of me emotionally, mentally and physically. I need to get to a place where I can let those outside pressures roll off of my back and then start challenging the system around me. And maybe this book on the idea of the new "momism" and intensive mothering will help me start to dismantle this belief system I have in place and create a new one to aspire to. I hope so because I am beginning to feel that no matter where I am at in my life this pressure will be like a monkey on my back.