These last few days have been a blur. I am so stressed, so worried and so sleep deprived. Whether you are a patient or a visitor, the hospital is not a fun place to be. As most of you who read this blog know, Greg has been in the hospital for a couple of days now with a crazy MRSA staff infection. I know this is serious and I know that this could be something that he/we deal with numerous times if the antibiotics can't truly wipe this infection out of his system. Which is common when dealing with MRSA since it is resistant to numerous antibiotics.
I am scared. Terrified probably better describes how I feel. I lay in my bed alone at night praying for help to fall asleep so that my wandering mind won't think of all of the possibilities and what ifs of this situation. Praying that I won't become my mother. My mom is a widow. My mom was widowed at a young age, 35, with three children to look after; me-a 12 year old, my sister who was 3 at the time and my brother who was 18 months.
The fact that my dad died when I was so young affected my life greatly. Whose life doesn't it affect when someone they love dies? It wasn't until I had my first child that I realized the extent of this fear. After both of my babies were born I dealt with serious cases of anxiety anytime Greg left the house. I worked through it both times and even though this is still a massive fear of mine I have been able to work through it on most occasions. And I am trying my hardest to work through this right now. I will admit it is difficult. I know I am a strong womyn and I know I can work through whatever the universe hurls my way. But knowing that doesn't erase the past, the struggles and heartache that I have watched my mother go through daily. Then I stop myself and remind myself, "I am NOT my mother," and I AM strong and I WILL get through this and I have an amazing support network whose love, strength and kindness have given me and my little family so much during this bizarre ordeal and I am forever grateful.
I am not sure why I am writing this blog right now, this entry should be more for my private journal. But there is something compelling me to be open...to be honest...to be real...to show a side of myself so few people see and to just breathe.