- being mother of two kids under 4; 24-7
- constant sleep deprivation
- taking on responsibilities at my daughter's school
- realizing that my husband is probably always going to work way too hard and not give himself the rest and downtime that he needs-that we need
- realizing that I am turning obsessive about my house being clean
- having a mother, whom I am not particularly close with, move in with me for four months and then up and moves to Oklahoma leaving my daughter with serious separation anxiety
- a teething son who cut 6 teeth within two month
- a garden to tend to (which usually isn't stressful, but was at times this year)
- extremely difficult menstrual cycles that take me days to recover from
- and the everyday issues of multi-tasking and life i.e. finances, food, computer problems, car problems...the list goes on
So the real question for me is how do I meld the two? How do I redefine who I am to incorporate the pre-mom Lacey and the post-mom Lacey? Am I doing it already and just not realizing it and how is it that I only started feeling this way after my second child?
I no longer see myself as this fiery, independent, young feminist and activist who is ready to take on the patriarchal world. But I see myself as this overly tired and overly stressed mother of two who is ready to be done with changing diapers, who wants a little freedom back in her life, not a child always at my feet or on my hip and as someone who on rare occasion has time to actively engage in her feminist and environmentalist agendas. When I was pregnant it wasn't an issue for me because I had experienced pregnancy and birth through the lens of female empowerment and I used that to shape my experiences. Since then I have found many things over the last four years to take interest in and even develop a passion for, but I have reached a place in my life where I am mourning that former self. I miss that freedom and independence that I once cherished dearly.
I think many womyn feel this way once they become mothers, yet it is something that we don't discuss often so we have a hard time articulating what it is that we are feeling. And it is hard to find a confidant in which to have these types of conversation. Are we that scared of admitting that motherhood is not all kisses and giggles? Whether we have chosen to be stay-home moms or moms who work inside and outside of the home, we all deal with the same struggles and balancing acts. We need to talk about it together and we need to offer support to each other. I now have a wonderful community of mothers around me who I am starting to openly discuss such difficult issues with. And I am spending more time writing to discover what it is that I want and need at this moment in my life.
I do feel that since I have taken up writing again I am connecting with myself again, a piece of myself that was lost quite some time ago. Writing has been a way to remind myself of the natural process of evolving; who I was, who I am and who I will become. Writing has created an outlet to let this new chapter of my life (motherhood) foster a new creativity that I have been longing for. It has been almost a year I have been craving a creative outlet and I have made a list of many things that I want to do: take up a new instrument, sew, knit, crochet, write a book, take a dance class, start a blog. Something that is for me; just ME. And I am slowly working on some of these things and teaching myself that it is okay to spend time on me. So as I start to navigate this journey through connecting the old me and the new me, strengthening who I am and who I want to be I ask for your kind ears at times and once in a while I might even need a shoulder to cry on.